what the hell am i doing?
So, you know how you start something with all the best intentions and all the motivation in the world, and then, for whatever reason, you just hit a wall? Yeah, that's what this blog has been for me. Thank you to those who are still following along with the nothing that I've been posting. Here's what's been going on:
Paul, my business partner at Torn Curtain Arts, and I have been working hard on focussing our mission and vision, which has taken much more bandwidth than I think either of us have expected. We have landed in a really good place, which I'll write about soon, but in the midst of that it has been difficult to sit down and write anything substantive.
I'm also kind of lazy. And by "kind of," I mean really lazy. I'll just throw that out there. If it comes down to sitting down and writing for an hour or watching TV and eating chips for an hour, get me in some comfy pants and hand me the remote and some BBQ Lays and we'll call it a night. That is one of many things about my character that a lifetime of New Year's Resolutions has yet to change. But I'm working on it. I have a good network of people who help keep me motivated, and I'm doing my best to listen to them over the siren song of cooking shows and reruns of CSI.
In addition, I have been experiencing some family difficulties. Many of you know that I was divorced in 2011, and the fallout from that event is still taking a toll on many of my relationships, most notably with my two daughters from that marriage. For various reasons, we are really struggling to maintain a connection which has had a very negative impact on me spiritually and emotionally. A lot of the time I feel very defeated by my inability to fix what is broken there, which, in turn, affects many aspects of my daily life.
That said, trying to sit down and write with any authority about spiritual or unspiritual matters has been an uphill battle. Most days I don't feel like I have the tools to manage my own schedule or emotions or internal and external battles, let alone sit down and find the words that might help anyone else on their own journey. All things considered, at my best I feel like a total fraud. At worst...well, there's a lot I could say about the worst, but I'm not sure any of that would be healthy or productive.
But in a way I guess that's a big reason about why I started this site in the first place. Not to provide authoritative, expert advice, but to provide a space where I and we can talk about some of the worst parts of life and how we move forward in the midst of them. I don't want to be an expert. I don't want to have all the answers. I don't want to project an image of all-together-ness. I'm not an expert, by any means--I simply have a collection of experiences that have taught me some hard lessons that I'd like to share. I don't feel like I have any answers--in fact, at this point in my ministry I'm asking more questions than I ever have. And I certainly don't have it all together--I have some pretty big messes that I'm struggling to clean up, and it feels like I'm just making even more messes along the way.
So, I have all my reasons (read: excuses) for not writing. What the hell am I going to do about it?
Well, I'm going to try to do more of this--just keeping you in the loop and updated on my own journey. That's the only thing that will build any kind of trust. Nothing good happens when I retreat into isolation and and self-protection. It won't always be pretty or particularly helpful for you, the reader, but who knows? Maybe my willingness to open up will encourage you to be more open in your community or circle of friends.
I have some hard work to do in my relationships...all of my relationships, not just with my two oldest girls. I'll try to keep you abreast of that journey, as well (when appropriate). I say that to make you aware that by following this blog, you're following a deeply flawed man, a husband and father who feels like a failure but is doing his best and is going to be trying harder to heal what is broken inside him. At times that will come through in my writing. At times it won't. Just know that when it doesn't it doesn't mean I'm not doing the hard work. It just means I might not be ready to write about it.
Deep down, I have a heart to serve those who are tired, worn out, wounded and feel out of place. Probably because I am tired, worn out, wounded, and feel out of place. I will do my best to be patient, gracious, and gentle with you because I need patience and grace, as well.